loss and recovery

I guess this is part 2 to yesterday's blog.

Last night my Ob/gyn (Dr. Guy) called me to see how I was doing. He had not seen the ultrasound pictures yet, but he had talked to the doctor that I talked to. He said that I had a blighted ovum, which is basically placenta with no baby. This is information from http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html:

A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry.

I did a bit more searching and I guess this is more common in "older" moms. Dr. Guy also said that due to my age, I'm more likely to miscarry. (He gave me a bunch of statistics, which helps.)

We talked a bit about what to do next. He suggested we do some genetic testing to see if we can find out why this keeps happening. He also told me what to expect in the next week or two, which helped.

So this *isn't* like the miscarriage 9 years ago. Nine years ago there was a baby on the ultrasound. Jason and I talked and all we saw was a black spot, there was no baby inside. By the way, saying there was never a baby is incorrect. We had a baby for a few weeks, and must have lost it around 4-5 weeks pregnant. However, with a blighted ovum, your body still thinks it's pregnant and you don't find out you've lost the baby until the ultrasound. Which is what happened to us.

We're thinking that we didn't start the heparin shots early enough and probably lost the baby around the time I started the heparin shots. This is making us think that if we start the heparin shots as soon as I'm ovulating, then maybe next time I'll be able to carry the baby the full time. (Misty, thank you for sharing your experience with me. If you can do it twice - from conception to labor - I'll make it.) I plan on discussing this with the doctor next week, along with how soon we can start trying again. From what I read it'll be a couple of months.

Emotionally I'm okay but once in awhile the sadness hits and I cry again. Bruce Almighty is currently on the TV and there's a part where Jim Carey's character yells "God you suck!" I started crying. What's going on right now sucks, God doesn't suck. But there's a part of me that still is asking God why he let this happen. I trust that there is better yet to come, and that in a year or maybe 5 years this will make a little more sense.

I've never been one who felt like everything had a purpose. I realize that God can turn bad situations into something good, but I've never been convinced that there's a purpose behind everything that happens. However, suddenly I am trusting that there is a purpose behind what Jason and I are going through right now. (Two miscarriages in two months.) Maybe there's a genetic problem that can be avoided now. Maybe I have a medical issue that would go undiagnosed without these problems. I just don't know, and probably won't for some time. But right now it feels better to think that there IS a purpose behind bad things that happen.

By the way, I did go to the Easter Egg Hunt this morning as Cupcake the clown. I wasn't as together as I would have liked to have been, but I made it. I had a lot of friends hug me and thankfully nothing else had to be said. I enjoyed the children's smiles and a few that weren't sure what to think of my clown face and outfit. I walked past a baby who looked at me and started laughing. This absolutely thrilled my heart and I kept making faces at him. (Of course then the dad said he smiles at everyone. I told him that wasn't helping my ego. Ha.)

I did pretty good around all those families and kids, but I was pretty emotionally wiped out when it was over. I had a wonderful nap on the couch this afternoon with the windows open and the breeze blowing through the house. Life seems to be back to normal, but my heart is still heavy. I keep wondering when it'll be our turn. How many more times will we have to go through this. (Oddly enough I think of Celine Dion who is 42 and is on her 6th in-vitro procedure hoping to have a 2nd baby. Her strength is amazing, especially with her life being so public.)

Please continue to pray for us. Also, please pray that the actual miscarriage happens soon so I won't have to have surgery next week. I'm hoping my next blog post will be a bit happier - sorry to keep posting such serious and personal stuff. I guess it's what's on my heart and typing helps gets things straight in my head. So thanks for listening/reading.