Every time I watch it I get something else out of it. But the part that always hits me the hardest is where he says about church "it's not a museum for good people, it's a hospital for the broken."
I grew up going to church every Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday night. I wasn't allowed to wear jeans to church except maybe once in awhile on a Wednesday night. My mom let us dress up for Halloween but we weren't allowed to talk about it at church. The teens in youth group would pass around "smuggle tapes." You know, the ones we weren't supposed to listen to. (Mine were Wilson Phillips and Nelson. Scandalous!!)
I liked pushing limits back then. The church frowned on jeans skirts and black clothing. (Guess what I bought as soon as I went to college.) One time I wore two different socks and two different earrings to a church picnic. (Hey, it was the 80's.) My mom was called and told not to let me wear such things because I was a bad influence on the younger kids. She didn't care, but she tried to explain to me that it was viewed as rebellious and the elders at church didn't appreciate it.
I could go on and on, but you get it. I learned how to be a good Christian by being conscious of how I portrayed myself. Good Christians wear conservative clothes, have conservative haircuts, listen to conservative music, read conservative books, and watch conservative TV shows. We didn't seem to make any decisions ourselves but let the church decide for us what was good and bad, right and wrong.
What slowly happened to me is that I started to judge others by their clothes, their haircuts, their music, their books, and their TV shows. I started to judge people if they didn't act like a good Christian.
Then something horrible happened to me. I ended up divorced at age 23. I was ruined. I was told that God couldn't use me anymore, my testimony was tainted. I was worthless to God. And amazingly, I believed this for a long time.
One day I found a church where people wore jeans (and shorts!) to church. They had mohawks and dreads. They listened to alternative music (this was the 90's) and some of the were even Democrats. I wasn't sure about this church but I had a feeling they wouldn't judge me for being divorced.
I have been attending this church (and now a church plant from this church) for 14 years and I'm definitely not judging people by their looks or their backgrounds anymore. However I've recently realized that I'm still trying to appear as the "good Christian." Seriously, anyone who's been around me for any length of time will hear about all my trips to Honduras. Or how long I've been going to church. Or something along those lines.
Lately I feel like God is stripping away those things I hide behind to appear like I'm a good Christian. I'm not. I try to pray every day, but I sometimes forget. And I definitely don't pray for more than a few minutes. I try to read my Bible a few times a week but honestly, when I pull out my ipad to do my daily reading, I end up going to cnn.com or facebook. But boy I can pretend like I pray and read my Bible every day.
But I think where it's most obvious is that I don't have the right attitude about people. (And if I do, wow do I pat myself on the back.) I gossip, I point out faults, and I laugh. I withhold compassion and understanding because somewhere in my heart I feel like they deserve what they're getting. (But I don't.)
Like I said, lately God has broke me down about these things. I guess that's why my blog has turned into a confessional.
Bottom line, I'm trying to be a good Christian in my own efforts. I'm trying to tell God what it takes for him to love me (and others). I'm trying to lean on my past achievements to keep a spiritual high going (that's honestly long faded). I want to be what God wants me to be but I'm trying to take the easy way out. I keep thinking I've found a short cut, but I'm just going in circles and getting more and more frustrated.
I turn everything over to God time and time again and then within a few days I take it back from him because he's not moving fast enough. I tell him I want to be closer to him, but then don't take the time to get to know him - to talk to him or sit and just listen.
And I wonder why he has the patience for me. I think of Paul and how he said he was the worst of all sinners. That's hard for me to believe, but I didn't know him personally. But I think if I was honest with myself (and you) then I'd claim to be the worst of all sinners (or one of the worst). I may not be a murderer, but I'm a liar. I've been lying to myself and lying to the people around me - trying to appear to be something I'm not.
I'm not a good Christian. I'm a pretty horrible Christian. And yet he still loves me. He's still patient with me. He's still waiting for me to get my priorities straight. And he'll give me chance after chance after chance to keep trying. Just keep trying.
There was a song on the radio that just hit me. "Busted Heart (Hold on to Me)" by For King and Country. It's not the type of song I'd usually like but the lyrics got to me. (Video with lyrics...)
"Winter has come back again,
feels like the season won't end
My faith is tired tonight
and I won't try to pretend
I've got it all figured out
That I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need you now."
The next song on the radio was something about God making you beautiful. I love these songs because I think people (women AND men) need the reminder that what God considers them as beautiful creations. And God's beauty is not the same as the world's beauty.
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| This woman is beautiful to me, Mama Maggie Gobran. |
I want that kind of beauty.
Then the next song on the radio was "Your Grace is Enough" by Chris Tomlin. This song has always bugged me because it's such a simple song (and you sing it over and over and over....) But these songs all together started to show me something.
Trying to be a good Christian by doing it myself, or by using a short cut, is like trying to have God's beauty by applying makeup. (I have a visual of one of those women who's had too much plastic surgery and too much makeup.)
It's like trying to get to heaven by following a check list. By doing all those "good" things and not doing all the "bad" things. (Funny, when I was little I was told Catholics believed this way but it was the Baptists who showed me how to do it.)
Getting into heaven isn't about saying a prayer and you're done. It's not about getting my ticket punched and that's it. (Our pastor, Eric Wright, says this a lot.) So many people say it's about relationship, not religion, but then they don't want to allow a relationship to develop and they push what to do and not to do. I consider that "religion."
When you have a relationship with God, he'll tell you what to do, and what not to do. And it might be completely different than what he tells someone else. Because each relationship is different, and relationships change over time.
I'm putting all this out there because I'm trying to make a change. I'm trying to alter my thinking. That it's not about making sure I appear like I have it all together, but that I'm just me. That I let go of my ego and how great I think I am. (Like the mouse and the elephant crossing the bridge and the mouse says to the elephant "boy I really made that bridge shake!")
I wonder how transparent I am to my friends. I wonder if they've seen all the make-up I've been putting on trying to show God's beauty. (I cringe at the thought.) But I wonder if they're as tired and frustrated as I am, trying to live up to expectations God didn't set for us.
These expectations are so ingrained in my brain, I wonder when I'll ever be able to lay them all down. I wonder why I keep trying to carry them around. They're too heavy, too much of a burden. I don't want them anymore.
The church isn't a museum for good people, it's a hospital for the broken.
I've got a busted heart, I need you now.
Hold on to me.
God made me beautiful.
His grace is enough. His grace is enough for me.
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