Excerpts from the old blog

So last night I decided to go through my old (secret) blog, which I kept from 2004-2007. I was thinking most of the posts would be about the losers I met online (and a few that I dated). However I found a lot of insights of my life back then. Some of the posts made me laugh, some made me cry. Most made me want to tell my younger self to hang in there, it's going to get a lot better. (Which makes me wonder, in 6 years will I want to look back at myself now and tell myself to hang in there, it's going to get a lot better? I think so.)

So I thought I'd share a few posts... enjoy. (My comments today about the posts back then will be in italics.)


July 6th, 2004

I had a dream last night. I don't remember much of the dream except there was a guy that I really liked and he was a really good friend of mine. It had a reality-tv feeling to it. (I'm addicted, so not sure if we were on a tv show or if that's how I view my life now.) Anyway. I was sitting next to him and I leaned my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me. It was the most wonderful feeling, and then I woke up. Irk. I don't know who the guy was, but it was like I knew him, and I can see his face in my mind, but I actually don't know who he is. I also remember his personality, and he seemed like the greatest guy. I wonder if this is my subconscious telling me that's the kind of guy I want, or if it's just a dream based on a book I read or something. Anyway, it gives me hope that I won't be single forever. If/when I'm ready to move on, I already have a couple friends who want to pair me up with guys they know. Lovely. I can't even think of anything like that yet.

So I'm sitting here thinking of my "dream man" and he seems to be the type that I would be attracted to. Tall, dark hair, blue eyes (or something kinda light-colored). He was the friendly, nice type of guy that everyone gets along with. Joked around with everyone and teased quite a bit, but you could tell that he would never say anything mean to anyone. He was also very sweet and caring. He was very interested in listening to whatever problem I was telling him. (I don't remember the problem, just that it made me lay my head on him and he put his arm around me.) I guess most problems are temporary and it wasn't the problem and what he said that was important, but that he listened and wanted to help. I'm sure guys like that exist, but I'm sure they're all taken. Maybe there's a few out there that their current girl's don't appreciate them and I can just hope that they'll be single when I'm ready to start dating again. Talk about wishful thinking. Blah. :P

(Anyone else think that kinda sounds like Jason?)

Feb. 8th, 2005 | 01:27 am

All I could think was "God, please give me someone to love." I even said it out loud. Then I found it curious that I wasn't thinking "please let someone love me." I guess I have a lot of people who love me, and I love a lot of them right back. But I want someone to really love. To hug and kiss and make things for and give things to. And to just try to be a better person for. I miss that.

(Hang in there kiddo - he's out there, he'll find you.)
 

Jul. 12th, 2005 | 05:34 pm

I found a gray hair this morning. Actually I found a white hair this morning. I, of course, pulled that sucker out and threw it in the trash. The evidence is gone, but I can no longer say that I've never found a gray (white) hair on my head. Previously I looked and was quite pleased to not find anything. This morning I was looking at myself, no makeup, hair wet and combed back and *boing* this white curly hair is bouncing around my forehead. I think it was celebrating my 33rd birthday a bit early.

(LOL!! If I pulled out all the white & gray hairs I've found in the past year I'd be pretty bald on top!)

 

 Aug. 23rd, 2005 | 08:29 am

Or maybe I should say, Victory for the Single Woman Home Owner!! Why? I started my evil lawn mower all by myself yesterday!! And then proceeded to mow my entire yard by myself. (Not that big of a deal, it took maybe 20 minutes.)

(LOL!! I had owned by house for 4 months by then and had called almost every single guy I knew to come over and help me start my mower and a few of them would end up mowing the yard for me. I'm also laughing because of how many times I've mowed that dang lawn since then. THAT would be the only time I was happy to do it.) :P

Sep. 11th, 2005 | 03:04 pm

Went to church this morning and kept running into Dan & Robyn. (3,000 people, 4 services, and I always have to see them.) Finally decided to drag them outside and beat them both. Ha. No, I asked them if we could take a moment and talk and we went outside. I told them everything I felt about the divorce and them getting married and Dan kept saying "that's what Robyn said." So for once, that girl and I are in agreement. It was a good talk and by the end Robyn was smiling at me. It was a good feeling. The reason I wanted to talk to them was to clear the air between us so it would be more comfortable that we're going to the same church. That's when they informed me that they're buying a house in Cincinnati and will be moving in a matter of weeks. Guess I really didn't have anything to worry about... but I'm so glad things were "resolved" before they moved and I never see them again. (How odd to think that I'll never see Dan again.) 

(I found this funny and light-hearted-considering the circumstance-so I had to post this. For those who don't know who Dan & Robyn are, I guess you can kinda figure it out.)   

 

Feb. 24th, 2006 | 11:58 pm

My home phone is through Time Warner right now and they actually charge extra for voice mail. All the voice mail I was receiving was telemarketers. Most of them pre-recorded, so the first part would be missing. No, I don't want to refinance my mortage (good grief, I haven't even had my house a year!) No, I don't have any kids in Dayton Public Schools. (Not sure why they think I do.) And no, I'm not planning on remodeling my house for awhile (I knew I shouldn't have signed up to win free windows.)

My friends know to try my cell phone next, and they can leave a message there. So basically, I was paying an extra $5/month to hear 4-5 unwanted messages a day. So I cancelled voice mail. Of course, they turned it off after I got voice mail, but before I got a chance to hear it. So at the moment, my light is flashing and I have the stuttering dial tone to tell me I have voice mail... but I can't get to it. So I tried to call Time Warner about this. After being on hold for almost an hour, they tell me they have to transfer me to another department. And while that department is checking on what they can do, I get disconnected.

I'm currently in the process of switching to Vonage. ($25/month cheaper and free voice mail.) 

(LOL! This is for all the people who wonder why I hate Time Warner so much. This is just one of the reasons.)

Jan. 30th, 2006 | 02:03 pm

Someone asked me today if I had seen the new sandals at Payless yet. Um, not yet. I can't even think about sandals just yet. I know the weather was nice but with fighting a bad cold, it still felt like January to me. I also think trying on sandals at this point would just be torturing myself. Sandal weather is at least 3 months away, and who knows when my next trip to Florida would be. I need to focus on sweaters and boots on sale and being happy with getting to wear them for the next 3 months. (I really want to find a pair of goucho pants that'll be the right length for me. With a long pair of boots, so cute!! I wonder if they come in tall...) 

(Goucho pants??? So glad I never got a pair, I think they went out of style pretty quick. Funny, I still feel the same about sandals in January.)

Apr. 11th, 2007 | 11:25 pm

I have to get this out, put this somewhere.

Lately I'm feeling hopeless. All my friends are meeting, dating, marrying wonderful men and I can't even find a guy to ask me out. No wait, I can't even find a guy who wants to call me. I think I'm hitting an all time low and it's not pretty.

(Some specific details I don't want to post here about finding out I might have problems having kids. Btw, it turned out to be nothing and has nothing to do with why we're not staying pregnant.)

If I found out I couldn't have kids, would I want to get married again? Maybe right where I am right now is where I'll be 20 years from now.

After typing that, all that's going through my head is "no way." If I'm single, without kids, 20 years from now, I will definitely be living an exciting life in another country. There's more to this life than where I am right now.

I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless about love.  

(I met John Jason Parsons a little over a month later!!!)


Okay, that's enough posts for now. Funny, I found the night where I challenged God to make my life better and actually ended up strengthening my faith. It's a long story and I'm sure I'll blog about it soon. I remember that night being such a huge turning point and I remember so many changes happening after that, but in my blog it seems like just another day. I guess you really don't expect things to change when you've been miserable for so long. Thank God for second chances! (And third and fourth and fifth chances...)

Healing Part 2

Here's Part 2 of my blog and hopefully the rest of the story, but we will see how things go.

If you read the first part of this blog, you know that I was in a bad car accident and shattered the radius bone in my right arm. All of this happened in early February. I was able to go back to my job as a juvenile probation officer after about a week. I was hard getting dressed and getting around with that external fixator on my arm. I would say that it probably took me about 2 weeks to get used to the fixator and to be able to get around without much trouble.

I wore the external fixator until early May, which was three long months. I was seeing my orthopedic surgeon around every two weeks during that time, getting x-rays and doing routine care on the fixator. One of the visits to the surgeon, he unlocked the hinge of the fixator, allowing me to move my wrist. This was such a wonderful thing. Before he unlocked it, I would try my best to move my wrist, just a fraction, to be able to have some kind of control over my situation. The freedom to finally move my wrist was wonderful, even though it was really stiff and painful at the time.

In early May, my surgeon scheduled surgery to remove the fixator. I remember vividly how cold it felt laying on the operating room table, wait for the surgeon to come in. He finally came in and they started putting me under. The surgeon must have been in a big hurry, because he grab the drill that he used to remove the large bolts that were attached to the bones in my arm and hand. I remember him putting the drill on the first bolt and getting ready to turn it on, but I'm still awake! I was getting ready to say something as the drill started, but that is the last I remember. I went under in just the nick of time.

Well, life without the fixator was a whole lot better. I was able to get the fixator off just in time to meet a wonderful woman from Dayton Ohio of all places. If I would have had that horrible fixator on, I probably won't have gotten that second date.

In early June, I had another appointment with my surgeon, with him doing more x-rays. I remember him coming in the exam room and telling me that the bones were not growing together. He said after four months, the bones should have been healed, or at least well on their way. Apparently my bones were just not growing back together as they should. My doctor explained to me that I would need more surgery and that we needed to meet again the next Monday, to explore all of our options.

The weekend before that next appointment, I drove up to Dayton to see Cyndi. On Sunday, we went to church at the Vineyard in Beavercreek. At the end of the service, two of Cyndi's friends, who had been sitting in front of us, turned around and started to talk with us. They looked at my arm and asked some questions about it and asked if they could pray for me. I said sure, so they began to pray. It was a very peaceful time of prayer for me and I felt something going on, but I didn't know what. After they finished, they continued to talk with Cyndi.

While Cyndi was talking with her friends, I decided that I needed more prayer, so I went up front and ended up talking with Marc Dupont. I didn't know it at the time, but Marc has a global ministry and has been involved in a lot of healings. http://marcdupontministries.org/

Marc asked me to tell him my story and then he began to pray for me. I could feel what I can only describe as an electrical charge coming down from my shoulder, where Marc had his hand, leading down to my arm. My arm felt very warm and tingly. Marc and I talked for a few more minutes and then he moved on to the next person in line.

I got back to my seat and Cyndi said she had been wondering where I had been. I thanked her friends for their prayers and we headed out to finish the rest of our day together before I headed back home until the next weekend.

Monday morning came, so it was time to head on out to meet with my surgeon again, for what felt like the hundredth time. I went in an got my x-ray, just like I always did, then went and sat in the exam room and waited for the doctor. It seemed like forever waiting on him. I could hear him out in the hallway talking with someone, but it was a long time before he finally came in.

Once the doctor got in the room, he didn't mix words. He told me that he couldn't explain it, but that I didn't need surgery to repair my broken arm, since my arm wasn't broken anymore. He said he doesn't know how it happened, but the bones had grown together in a matter of days. He said that he wasn't even going to try to explain how that happened. I told him that I already knew how it happened.

Instead of scheduling surgery to try to do a bone graft to fix my broken arm, my surgeon scheduled surgery to remove the metal plate and screws that were holding my arm together. It was just an amazing and wonderful feeling to know that my arm was as good as new and it was all because of God.

During my first appointment with my doctor after the surgery, he told me that I would have only 75% use of my wrist. That would only be after extensive physical therapy. I can tell you that I have 100% use of my wrist and arm. He also said that I would have arthritis due to all of the trauma to the wrist. It has been four years and I haven't had any problems whatsoever.

My wonderful parents made sure that I was brought up in church and I knew that miracles happened. I just didn't think that miracles could happen to me.

Healing Part 1

I never thought that I would be one to blog, but Cyndi has been doing this for a while and really seems to enjoy it. I also have a story that I would like to share with anyone who might happen to want to read about it.

On February 3, 2007, I got up and got ready to do what I did almost every Saturday, which was going to visit with Mom and Dad. I was a cold morning, with a bit of snow on the ground. My usual routine was to take my 2005 Crown Victoria. Seeing that I lived out in the middle of nowhere on a gravel road, I decided that I might want to take my old 1987 Chevy pickup, which was four wheel drive.

It was around 10am when I finally got on the road. The gravel road that I lived on was covered with snow, but I made it out to Grahn Hill, for those of you who know where that is. I made it about a third of the way down next to the Baptist Church when I saw this SUV traveling toward me at a high rate of speed on my side of the road. I was quick to react, but it didn't help. I slammed on my breaks and headed toward the ditch and the side of the hill next to the church. Unfortunately, the driver of the SUV decided to follow me into the ditch. He ended up hitting me almost head on.

I was stunned. This was the loudest sound that I have ever heard in my life. I remember trying to catch my breath and I could hear myself moaning. Once my head cleared, I looked over at the SUV, which had ended up beside me, but I didn't see any movement. I then tried to get out of my truck, but couldn't get the driver's side door open. It didn't help that I couldn't use my right arm very well, but I figured that I just sprained my wrist.

At his point, I figured that I better call Mom and let her know that I was going to be late because I had been in an accident. She was babysitting my nephews for the weekend, but said she would be right there. I told her that I was fine and there was no need to come out there and that I would get a ride back home with someone and get my car.

Since I was not able to get out of the driver side door, I decided to scoot across the bench seat and try the passenger door. While sliding across the seat, I noticed that my chainsaw, which I had just gotten at a pawn shop, had flown out of the seat next to me and the entire bar was embedded in the floor of the truck's cab. That should give you an idea of how hard the impact was.


I was able to get the passenger door open and climbed out of the truck into the ditch. By the time I had done this, some people who had heard the accident where there to see if we were alright. These people had called 911 and said that help was on the way, but had not checked on the other driver.

I went over to the driver's side of the SUV to check on the other driver. The driver was up underneath the dash of his vehicle. He was coming to after being knocked unconscious and was trying to get out. I told him to stay where he was and had to try to keep him where he was. This was hard to do with one arm, and I still hadn't bothered to look at my wrist.

I could tell the other driver was in bad shape and needed help. About that time, the Fire Chief, who I had known forever, was the first rescuer to arrive. He took over taking care of this other driver and right after that, other firemen and the EMTs arrived.

I figured that there wasn't anything else for me to do, so I went over and stood near my truck with some of the people who had gathered around to look at the accident. About that time, the Fire Chief came and asked if I knew where the guy was that was driving the white truck. I told him it was me and he just stared at me in disbelief. He told me that I needed to let the EMT take a look at me.

I let the EMT look at my wrist and told him that I just figured that it was sprained. He took one look at it and said no, it wasn't sprained. This was the first look that I got of it. My right wrist and about six inches of my forearm were swollen very badly. He told me that my arm was broken and that I needed to go to the hospital.

I got up into the back of the ambulance and sat down. After they closed the door, I looked out the back window and saw my Mom and Dad, along with my nephews. At that point, I was really glad that I called my mother. Once she saw my truck, she would have thought that I was hurt really badly. I told her that I was fine and that I would call my best friend Jennifer to come get me at the hospital and give me a ride home after I got my cast.

The EMT let me sit on the gurney in the back of the ambulance as we traveled to King's Daughters Medical Center, instead of laying down. I decided to take this time to call Jennifer to ask her to meet me at the hospital, since she lived right next to it.

After I had finished my call, I started to feel a burning in my chest. I looked down my shirt and saw that the right side of my chest was a little swollen. I told the EMT and he looked at it and said that the seat belt had probably just bruised me.

Once we got to the hospital, they made me lay down on the gurney, since it was policy. Good thing was, that since I came in an ambulance, I didn't have to wait in the waiting room. I was able to go directly back to the exam room.

My friend Jennifer was there waiting for me when I got to the hospital. We told them that she was my wife, so she would be able to stay back there with me and help fill out the paperwork and sign for me. I hope they don't come after us for fraud.

While they were doing the x-ray on my arm, I started getting really dizzy and felt like I was going to faint. I don't think I have ever felt like that before. The x-ray technicians saw what was going on laid me back on the gurney.

When I got back to the exam room, this rude little woman, who ended up being the doctor, came into the room to see me. She looked at the x-ray and said the radius bone was broken into 6 pieces and that I would need emergency surgery.

After discussing this surgery, the doctor asked if I had anything else going on from the accident. The nurse told her that I had almost passed out while getting the x-ray done. I told her that the right side of my chest was burning and that it was swelling. She immediately pulled up my shirt and looked at my chest, which was about the size of a softball by this time.

After yelling at the nurse for not telling her about this, she proceeded to cut off my LL Bean barn coat and Tommy Bahama t-shirt. I was heart broken to lose both of those items. She laid me flat on the gurney and told them to take me for a CAT Scan STAT! I didn't know what was going on at this point.

The doctor starts explaining to me that I may have a lacerated heart and that I might be bleeding into my chest. She said if this was true, that I would have to have emergency open heart surgery. Thousands of thoughts were going through my head and I was so glad that Jennifer was there to help me.

After having the CAT Scan, the doctor met me back in the room. She told me that my heart was fine and that the seat belt had torn the muscles in my chest. This had caused the blood to pool in my chest. By this time, the pain meds and kicked in and I was telling the nurses that I had one breast implant and was here to get the other one done. The things I say on pain meds. I think Cyndi likes me better when I drugged up.

The orthopedic surgeon comes into the room and tells me that he will be doing my surgery and that I will have to spend the night in the hospital. So much for getting a ride home and going on to Mom and Dad's.

Once out of surgery, I woke up with this huge external fixator and a brace on my right arm. The doctor informed my that he had to put in a metal plate and eight screws to put the bones back together. He said that I had a lot of damage and that it was going to take a while to heal up. He also said that I would only have 75% use of my arm when it was all said and done and that I would end up with arthritis since I had all that trauma to that area. Not something that I really wanted to hear.


I knew that I was in for a long road to recovery after this, my first accident. I was a little bit bitter about everything, but not bad. Not at least until I heard about what was going on with the accident investigation.

While in the back of the ambulance after the accident, the Carter County Deputy poked his head in the door and asked for my insurance information and told the EMT to make sure that I had a blood test done at the hospital. I figured that it was probably standard procedure for each driver involved in a major accident to get drug tested at the hospital. I had no worries, since I knew mine would be clean, but I figured his wouldn't be.

Once I got out of the hospital, I called the insurance company of the guy who hit me. At least I was told it was his insurance agency. I was told by the agent that this guy didn't have insurance with them. I think I was finally upset about the accident. I was going to have a lot of medical bills and this guy didn't have any insurance.

It turns out that the guy that hit me was in serious condition and had to be flown out by helicopter. He had a lacerated spleen, punctured lung and 11 broken ribs. He was in pretty bad shape, but had no insurance and they didn't even have a blood test done to see if he had any drugs in his system.

It turns out that the county sheriff didn't even charge this man with anything. He was obviously under the influence at 10 in the morning and didn't have any insurance. How could they not charge him with anything. I guess that's why my uncle Carmel always told me that if I had an accident, that I needed to request the state police work the scene.

I decided to do my own research on the guy who hit me and found out that had a previous DUI and got a $150 fine for it. Wow, a speeding ticket is more than that. My mom suggested that I file my own charge of no insurance, which was what I did. Nothing came out of it though.

I was very lucky that I had really good work insurance and that I was able to get an uninsured motorist claim from my insurance company. It wasn't a lot of money, but I was able to get Cyndi a nice engagement ring and it helped pay for our wedding.

My plan was for this to be one blog about my healing, but I haven't even gotten to that part yet. You can expect a part 2 coming soon.

Cyndi's Favorites - October 2002

This Cyndi story starts with some background. First, I work on the 19th floor of the Key Bank Tower in downtown Dayton. What this means is that we only get a handful of radio stations, but I'm not sure why. So I'm stuck listening to Mixx 107.7 (mostly 80's, 90's, and today) or 99.9 (just a step above elevator music).

I normally listen to 107.7 but lately "Pour Some Sugar On Me" has come on several times a day. I hate that song. I HATE that song. (I call it the breakfast cereal song to mock it.) So I switched over to 99.9. That was okay but I really couldn't put up with some of those songs from the 70's. Let's just say they aren't that much better than the breakfast cereal song.

I posted my frustration on  facebook and had many suggestions:

- listen to pandora online. Our IS department has asked us not to stream live videos or music online. So listening to music online is not an option.

- listen to klove. I love klove and their alternative station, air1. However I can't get their stations in on my radio at work. I could listen to either one online (www.klove.com and www.air1.com), however as stated above, we're not supposed to. (If I work late or on the weekends, sometimes I will though.)

- listen to an ipod. Oh! I have one of those! The problem is that I don't have all my music on it. At one point I did - I took a lot of time to put all my CD's on my Macbook and organize my music and then pick the good stuff to put on my ipod. But then my Macbook got stolen and the next time I sync'd to ipod to my new Macbook, it wiped out all my music. (There was a setting I could have clicked on to prevent this, however I wasn't aware of it until it was too late.)

So here I am, trying to get all my CD's back onto my "new" Macbook. (It's almost 2 years old.) It's taken me almost 2 weeks but I'm on the home stretch! Next I have to organize all my music, because it won't all fit onto my ipod.

As I'm going through my CD's I sometimes find two CD's stuffed into one case. So I try to find the case the extra fits into in an attempt to also get organized. I open one of my favorite CD's (Michael W. Smith) and there's a blank CD with "Cyndi's Favorites - October 2002" written on it. My heart stopped! After many years I had finally found it! The absolute best mix CD anyone has ever made me! (Thank you Belynda & Bryan!!)

If you're curious, here's the list...

• Emily - Michael W. Smith
• Big Yellow Taxi - Joni Mitchell
• Iko Iko - Cyndi Lauper
• More Than Words (acoustic version) - Extreme
• Next To Be With You - Mr. Big
• Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9
• Flag Pole Sitta - Harvey Danger
• I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - Proclaimer
• Island in the Sun - Weezer
• Thank You - Dido
• 1000 Miles - Vanessa Carlton
• Near You Always - Jewel
• Days Gone By - Dirty Vegas

Expecting some of those? Surprised by some of them too? If you've been out with me for karaoke you'll probably recognize a few of them.

I smile at the remembrance of why I love each song. The songs really represent where I was at that time - sad, hurt by love but still hopeful, a little lonely, a bit rebellious, and definitely trying to figure out life. Some people have scrapbooks, I have mix CD's.

You know, if I had to do a mix CD of the songs that represent who I am now, I think about half of those songs would be on it. So eight years later I'm in a much different place in life, but I think the core of me is still the same.

So what songs would your favorite mix tape have on it? What songs make you smile and bring memories that you want to hold on to?

Church Music (David Crowder Band)

Music is such an emotional thing to me. Last year was a particularly difficult year with a lot of disappointment and questioning if God even cared about me anymore. (If you missed it, this blog sums up last year.)

Last summer I discovered an album by the David Crowder Band. I've never bought any of their music but when I saw their album on sale on itunes, I decided to get "Church Music." NOT the "church music" I was expecting at all! (My church plays pretty cool music, but this was way better.) As much as I loved the kind of music it is, the words spoke to my heart just when I needed them the most. 

I wanted to put this down somewhere, the lyrics that spoke to me, my impression of the music, and how it affected me (this will be in italics). So I'm blogging this. I hope one of these songs jumps out at you and gets you through whatever difficult situation or decision you're going through. 

I also want to mention that each of these songs goes right into the next song, so it just doesn't sound right listening to this on shuffle. Oh, and some of these songs have an awesome dance beat, the rest are definitely not your mother's church music. ;) I didn't include all songs on the album, nor did I type up all the lyrics from all the songs below. Click on the title for the song on youtube. 

Shadows

Life is full of light and shadow

All the joy and all the sorrow (all the sorrow)

Yet will he bring dark to light

Yet will he bring day from night

When shadows fall on us, we will not fear we will remember

When darkness falls on us, we will not fear we will remember

When all seems lost, when we fall and we're tossed

We remember the cost

We rest in the shadow of the cross

(I've felt like I've been living in shadows for awhile and I need to realize that the light is there, that there is joy after sorrow. The acoustic version of this song is awesome - especially if you're wearing headphones.)

Eastern Hymn

Bring us love you who are love

Bring us peace you who are peace

We need love, oh divine love

We need your peace, your merciful peace

How gracefully you come along

Glory, glory, glory

God is near to each one of us

Holy, holy, holy

God is near to each one of us

Grant us reprieve from the fighting so we

Could just rest our heads on the shoulder 

Of the one we're at odds with

Forever grateful for the contact

We're so glad for a moment's rest

Weeping knowing we have been touched

 ("Bring us peace, you who are peace. We need love, divine love." This is what my heart needs the most. "We're so glad for a moment's rest - weeping knowing we have been touched." How I need to be touched.)

 

SMS (Shine)

Send me a sign, a hint a whisper

Throw me a line, cause I am listening

Come break the quiet

breathe your awakening

bring me to life

because I am fading

surround me with the rush of angels wings

Shine your light so I can see you

Pull me up I need to be near you

Hold me I need to feel loved

Can you overcome this heart that's overcome

You sent a sign, a hint a whisper

Human divine

Heaven is listening

Death laid love quiet

Yet in the night a stirring

All around a rush of angels

Shine your light so the world can see it

Lift it up 'cause the whole world needs it

Love has come what joy to hear it

He has overcome, he has overcome

(Warning - the video is sad. I'm not sure you'd get sadness from this song before you saw the video, but I did. "Bring me to life 'cause I am fading." "Can you overcome this heart that's overcome." When your heart is sad, this song means so much more.) 

The Veil

Hallelujah we rejoice

What a Savior, what a King

Hallelujah lift your voice

To our Savior, to our King

Oh please tears stay where you are made

Do not fall, do not fall

Something greater is on the way

Just hang on try to hang on

Try to hang on

(I didn't type up the whole song. That last part is the what speaks to me - "Just hang on, try to hang on." Something greater is on the way!)

We Are Loved

Can we take in Your light so we can shine like You

with all this weariness?

Can we shine like you with this weariness?

We are loved, we are loved, it is quite enough that we are loved

If the whole world could feel love

We could love, 'cause we are loved

Take in Your light

To shine like You

Take this weariness so we can shine like You

(Once again, not all the lyrics, but just the ones that really spoke to me. There's encouragement that no matter what we're going through, we are loved, and if we could love the world in our brokenness, they would feel it too.)

All Around Me

My hands are searching for you

My arms are outstretched for you

I feel you on my fingertips

My tongue dances behind my lips for you

I'm alive

I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above

You whisper you love

I begin to fade into our secret place

The music makes me sway

the angels singing say

we are alone with you

And so I cry

The light is white

And I see You

(thunderstorm in background)

Take my hand I give it to You

Now You own me All I am

You said you'd never leave me

I believe you I believe

(ends with thunderstorm)

(Oh my goodness, this song speaks such intimacy with God to me. I've been there and I miss it. This song make me long for that kind of honesty and closeness with God again - to strive for it again. The thunderstorm just makes this song so much more emotional. And then this song goes right into the next song, my favorite on the album.)

How He Loves

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize just how beautiful you are

And how great your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, he loves us, oh how he loves us!

Oh how he loves us!

Oh, how he loves

We are his portion he is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes

if grace is ocean, we're all sinking

Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

My heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about how he loves us

(Oh my goodness how I love this song! These aren't your usual Christian cliched lyrics. They're honest and relevant, and they kinda just smack upside the head. The lyrics I love - "All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory" and "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about how he loves us." It really puts things into perspective for me.)

Can I Lie Here

Can I lie here in your arms

My only calm is you

Save me

Can I lie here in your arms

My only thought is you

Save me

Can I lie here in your arms

My happiness is you

Save me

(This isn't the last song on the album, but it's the song I'll end with. When I'm completely broken and longing for intimacy with God again, this song sums everything up again. "Can I lie here in your arms - save me.")

Wanna see our doggie?

So last week I pulled out my cell phone to show my coworkers pictures of Izzy (aka Iz, Izzers, and Baby Dog) and I started noticing something about all the pictures I had...

The day we got Izzy

On the lazy boy with her daddy

Riding on my lap in the car

On the other lazy boy waiting for Jason to come home

On the end of the bed

This is what I call the squish-face.

More squish-face (squished between daddy with the tan blanket and mommy with the pink blanket)

Really? Every picture I have is of Izzy sleeping? So I checked our photos from the trip to Florida and found more of snoozing Izzy...

In the front of the car (squirrel!)

In the back of the car (yes, she was sleeping)

In Florida

In the back of the car on the way home (yes, she was sleeping)

Another shot in the back of the car

Back in the front of the car

In Izzy's defense, on an 18-hour car ride there really isn't much for a dog to do other than sleep and wait for the next rest break. She did try to help me with su doku - if you count chewing on my pencil as helping.

Honestly our dog does A LOT more than sleep. She's part terrier (we think) and I swear she rarely slows down. If you've ever met her, I'm sure you'd testify to this.

I'm sorry, am I boring you?

All I can think is that the only time I get a chance to take a picture of Izzy is when she's holding still. And the only time she's holding still is when she's sleeping. I guess I need to start trying a bit hard of getting pictures of Izzers in her natural form - zipping around. Maybe video? (Stay tuned...)

These are a few of my favorite blogs...

A friend of mine asked on facebook, what your obsession is. Being silly, I put "blogs." But then later on my mother-in-law sat down next to me while I was reading blogs on my google reader and asked "those are all the blogs you read?" Um, yes. I took a look at the list and suddenly felt like I needed to explain myself... "well, most don't post every day."

I just counted and I follow 50 blogs on my Google reader. (Hip2Save is the one that posts most often - which is why you see it in the picture above.) Twenty-two of these are friends' blogs. Several are people I admire, including several pastors and Diana Gabaldon, my favorite author. Several are ones that post daily and are fun to read. And others are great ideas for crafts, cupcakes and balloons.

I thought I'd share my favorite blogs and maybe introduce you to some interesting (and safe) sites online. (Click on the name to go to the link.) How I wish I could make these rhyme and fit into that song from the Sound of Music. I'm not so talented, so here's just a list...

1. Cake Wrecks - This site posts professional cake wrecks Monday through Friday, and "Sunday Sweets" are awesome looking theme cakes. I check this site for my daily chuckle. But humor isn't just the horrible cakes, but the writers are often funnier (and wittier) than the cakes.
2.  Epbot - Geekery, Girliness, & Goofing Off. This is written by the same people as Cake Wrecks and the topics are different, but the sense of humor is the same. Love it!
3. Diana Gabaldon - What do you do while you're waiting for your favorite author to finish the next book? Read her blog! I love getting insights into her real life, her dogs, and her travels.
4. Hip2Save - Great deals, coupons and freebies! I've gotten all sorts of free samples, including coffee, lotion, cat food, and I even got 3 Zoya nail polishes for free! They don't offer these deals, they just tell you where to find them. (Be prepared, there's 20-30 posts a day, maybe more.)
5. Darrin R. Ballman Photography - I follow several photography blogs, but I have to post Darrin's because he was our wedding photographer. Of course he posts great photos but he always seems to end up in the most interesting places!
6. this is reverb - I also follow several pastors' blog, but this is a pastor I've never met. I started following him because he's a Vineyard pastor (Westside in Cincinnati) who also travels to Honduras regularly, and has a ton of tattoos. He's also a great photographer with photogenic kiddos, and he's authentic, which I guess is what draws me to his blog.
7. The Dampiers - I follow several friends' sites and this one is my favorite. I've know Misty & Pete since before they got married and now they have two little boys. I've learned that hilarious witty people have hilarious witty children. (Misty also went through a lot to have the boys, so she understands what I've gone through.)
8. For Bloggers, By Bloggers - the best advice for blogging. Period.

And now a list of Honorable Mentions:

• This Old Crack House - Gary Leitzell (now mayor of Dayton) has been blogging the renovations of his old house for the past six years. (Wish he'd blog more often but he's now kinda busy with that mayor stuff.) ;)
• Mommy Confessions Blog - a couple of friends started this blog. I'm not a mom but I still follow it because I know them and their kids. And once in awhile they have a give-away I can participate in. ;)
• Portraits by Teresa - another photography blog. Teresa is based in Ashland, KY; I met her through a friend of Jason's.
• MacLean Blessings - A family in Olive Hill, Ky but originally from New York. They have seven kids with number eight on the way. Heather inspires me and hopefully someday she'll tell me how she does it.

Obviously there's a lot more blogs I follow and I could probably add another 10 links to the Honorable Mention list, but I'll stop while I'm ahead. However, feel free to plug your blog below - if it's new, I'll start following it. If you'd like a suggestion to a blog (for recipes, cupcakes, or balloons perhaps), just let me know and I'll post it below.

Also, please consider subscribing to my blog - the buttons are on the upper left hand side of the blog. :)

Online Safety - an oxymoron?

I have opinions about privacy online but no real answers. No wait, the best way to protect yourself online is to never get online. (Just like the best way to have "safe sex" is to not have sex.) However, that's just not an option for some (eh hem, I'm back to talking about the internet).

I discovered the internet in 1996 in the tunnels of Wright State. Friends taught me how to "ping" others who were online and then randomly pick some anonymous person to talk to. They were all other Wright State students and the fun was that the person you were chatting with could be sitting on the other side of the campus or sitting right behind you. I don't think we ever met anyone we chatted with, that wasn't the point (even though it was very possible). Usually we just "pinged" our friends to see if they were online and wanted to go do something or just chat. So it all started with a lot of chatting online.

Then I ventured out and found an Australian site where I sent emails to several people asking if they'd like to be e-mail pals. Enno answered my email and we chatted, emailed and even talked on the phone for over a year. We're still in contact, but we've still never met. Maybe someday.

My friends then introduced me to telnet. Basically there were online bulletin boards systems (BBS) out there and you'd use an application to telnet to those different bulletin boards. The most popular ones were sponsored by universities. The two I visited were ISCA (Iowa Student Computer Association) BBS, and Brinta BBS, based in the Netherlands.

Not my actual photo, but I knew these people.

Being from Iowa, you'd think that I would be on ISCA the most, however I just like the international forum that Brinta was. I have numerous friends that I met on Brinta and two are very close friends who live in Dayton, Ohio. If not for Brinta I would never have met them (and their sweetie kids), and I like to think I had something to do with getting them together. I also have other friends I met on Brinta that I've visited over the years and we still stay in contact, through facebook though.

Back then the people who were online were students and people with jobs that required them to be online. It was very different back then, most of the people online seemed educated and most were polite, or at least really honest. Safety wasn't so much of a concern but you definitely didn't give out your personal info until you really got to know someone. (Most people on Brinta still think of me as Emily.)

Things have really changed, I don't have to tell you that. I've stayed online, mostly for social reasons. When I was single I tried most of the dating sites and encountered all sorts of freaks. (That's another blog post for another day. I kept a blog about my dating life which is definitely not public.) Over the years I got pretty good at knowing who to trust online and who to block and move on. I call it my BS detector and it's about 98% effective. (The "caster" got past the detector for a couple of days and shocked me pretty good when I realized what kind of freak he was. There's an entire community of people who wear casts for the attention.)

Here's my recommendation for staying safe on social online sites: (in no way comprehensive)

1. Use common sense - do you allow people you pass on the street to know your full name? Do you show them pictures of your children/grandchildren and tell them their names? 
2. Trust your gut feeling. If someone seems creepy, that's probably something in your subconscious telling you to stay away from them. 
3. Don't trust people. You can be friendly without trusting people. That old high school friend may have a record of breaking into homes. They don't need to know where you live or when you're gone.
4. Don't feel bad for not accepting someone's friend request. You owe them nothing. Even if you know them in real life, you're not obligated to let them be in contact with you online. 
5. If you're new to the internet, start off slow. There's lots to learn, especially with how to read into things that are posted online. Learn about the privacy settings on each site, and how to block people. (It's best to know this BEFORE you need to use it.)
6. Check your privacy settings regularly to make sure your online service didn't change their policy. Who can see your personal information? Who can view the pictures you post online? Who can see your real name and where you're from? 
7. Don't use your real name if you don't need to. On monster.com and other job-hunting sites, it's a good idea to be truthful. Other than that, feel free to use a knick name and don't post anything else personal about yourself.
8. Be careful your username doesn't reveal info about yourself. I used to use cyndibuttercup but then everyone knew my name was Cyndi (and that I liked the Princess Bride). So then I used buttercup2272 and everyone thought my birthday was February 2nd and they knew how old I was. So I changed my username again. 

So how you stay safe online? Do you have suggestions for my list? (I'll update this and add them.) Any stories of unexpected surprises when you thought you were being safe? Feel free to leave your comments here. :)

Who's sick of snow?

If you live in any state, other than Florida, then you're sick of snow, I'm sure. (If you live in Florida, then you're just sick of the cold.) I've had a cold for a month now and thank God for my electric blanket! I'm also thankful that our little dog doesn't seem to mind running around (and doing other things) in the snow. After the first big snow fall I actually shoveled the snow so she'd have a place to "go." Silly dog went everywhere except where I shoveled. I'm not shoveling grass anymore.

Anyway, I've been horribly busy the last few days and didn't blog yesterday and won't have time to do one of my usually-exciting blogs tonight. So I'm recycling a blog from last February - when I was sick of snow (but still trying to appreciate it).


Just some thoughts about snow (Tuesday, February 16, 2010)

Snow - you love or or you hate it. And sometimes it's both at the same time. (Ever been shoveling with your back hurting and your toes frozen and you take a break and notice how pretty and sparkly the snow is?)


Snow blankets everything in your yard and hides the dead plants, the bald spots in your yard, the neighbor's trash that somehow ends up in your back yard, and it makes it all beautiful.


At night when it's coming down and it catches just a bit of the light from a street light - it is just magical. Can this ever be captured by a photograph? I don't think so - unless you're looking at a photograph and remembering.

I have friends in Honduras who have never seen snow. They know what it is. Nieve. I couldn't remember the word for snow in Spanish and so I described it to them saying "lluvia" (rain) and "mucho frio" (very cold) and they knew what I was talking about. I demonstrated with shivering and doing twinkle fingers coming down. Do they understand? I'm not sure, but they smile and sometimes laugh. Are they laughing at me and my pantomine? (This is my main form of communication with them and there's a lot of laughing.) Or do they wonder and wish they could experience it just once.

(This is the family that was helping me with "nieve."
I was teasing them - "you think THIS is cold?" Love them.)

Sidenote - the pastor of the village in Honduras that we visit came up and visited us several Novembers ago. Amazingly it snowed the morning they were going to the airport to fly home. I was told that they were like kids brushing it off the car and the bushes and laughing. How do they describe it to the people back home? I wonder. :)

I've read that nearly half the world has never seen it snowing. (I guess parts of India can see snow capped mountains, but haven't experienced it.) Are we part of those blessed by snow or cursed by it? I guess it depends on your perspective. A little is wonderful, but too much is... too much.

(view of downtown Dayton from the
19th floor of the Key Bank building)

Last year Jason and I stayed at a cabin in Gatlinburg for our anniversary. The cabin was at a top of a steep hill and very private, we loved it! And then it started snowing. There was no snow in the forecast, but I guess these things happen in the mountains. We ended up getting snowed in and spent the day sitting in front of the wood burning fireplace and TV. It was wonderful! And then the electricity went out. It was out for just an hour, but that's just one of those examples of the snow being a blessing and a curse.

(Hawks Nest cabin in Gatlinburg)

So here it is, February 16th and Dayton has gotten 20 inches of snow in three different snow storms over the last two weeks. It hasn't gotten above 32 degrees, so it's all still there. We keep shoveling our sidewalks and the parking area in front of our house and we're starting to run out of places to put the snow. Last night I'd dump the snow on the top of the pile and it would fall back into the space I just shoveled. Funny, my back isn't hurting as much as it was after shoveling the first snow fall. I guess I'm getting conditioned to this. Well, there's something I guess.

(taken 2/6/10 - 1st round of snow -
check out how high the snow goes on the door)

(taken 2/10/10 - 2nd round of snow)

(no photo for 3rd round - I don't care anymore)

I miss my shoes. I have a great pair of leather ankle boots that has gotten me through 8 winters. I can wear them with dress pants and they look fine. I'm so sick of wearing them though. I have a pair of hiking boots that I like to wear, but for some reason I can't find them. (Honduras friends - did any of you perhaps end up with these?) So I'm stuck with the same pair of boots day after day after day. I swear it's torture to expect a woman to wear the same pair of shoes every day. I have actually worn some of my favorite shoes around the house because I miss wearing them. (Okay, not really, but I want to.)

(Lenny thinks he's a snow cat)

Seven years ago I considered moving to Florida where my mom and step-dad live. I also considered moving to Seattle where my brother and sis-in-law live. (Please note that both of these places have what I consider to be ideal weather. Though I might miss the sun in Seattle, I miss it here in Ohio too.) I was newly divorced, had just finished my degree, and was working a temp job. Unfortunately I needed to save up some money to make either of those moves, even with family offering to help me.

And then it happened, I got a really great job here in Dayton making pretty good money. And then I bought a house. And then I married a man who never thought he'd move 3 hours from home, let alone the other end of the country. So here I am, stuck in a snowy state - with a great job, a pretty nice house, and a wonderful loving husband (and great family who live only 3 hours away). I guess I shouldn't complain too much, but I still have those days I wish I would have moved to Florida. (Jason would have still married me, right?) :)

She works hard for the money...

I started thinking about all the jobs I've had in my 20 years of work. I don't think most of my friends realize all the crazy (and interesting!) jobs I've had. I thought I'd let you take a peak into my unique work experience. (Just a note - I may not remember them all.)

I really don't want this to turn into a job interview type of thing so I won't go into why I left each job - that would make the blog much too long! In short I'll explain that normally I left full-time (office) jobs to go back to school full-time. And I left part-time (retail) jobs to start working a full-time (office) job.

My priority was getting my 4-year degree and somehow paying the bills. Normally I'd work for two quarters and then go to school for two quarters. I started college at Ohio University in 1990, then moved back to Dayton and attended Sinclair Community College and got my associates in 1995.

I then went to Wright State University, took some time off while I was working at the University of Dayton, and then returned to Wright State to finish up. So after twelve years, four colleges, and multiple changes in my major, I finally got my B.A. in Mathematics. This is when my priority shifted to finding a job based on my degree. (I didn't get my teaching certification, so education jobs weren't an option.)

Ready? Here we go...

• Camp-of-the-Woods in Speculator, NY (1989).  I worked at this Christian family camp the summer before my senior year in High School. I worked with kids in the mornings during chapel, then the craft shop in the afternoons. On Friday nights I worked in the guard shack and on Saturday mornings I did housekeeping.  

Working in the nursery at Camp-of-the-Woods

•  McDonalds (1989). I worked there one day. I never got my paycheck though because I didn't return my uniform. (I still wonder what my mom did with it.)

• Chick-fil-A (1989-90, Christmas 1992). I got the job the day after my training at McDonalds. (Which is why I didn't return to Micky-Ds's.)

• The Bombay Company (1990-91). My mom loved that I worked there. Actually, she loved the discount that I got. :)

• Leeward Craft Bazaar (which is now Michael's Crafts) (1991). I got this job while working at the Bombay Co. I only worked there for a month, they didn't like working around my Bombay schedule.

• Kelly Temps (1991-98) - that's when I decided to use my typing skills to make money. My first few jobs were things like counting pages of documents for DP&L, tearing off the sides of printer paper (remember those?), and making copies of files including taking out the staples and stapling them again. All very tedious, boring jobs, but they paid a lot more than retail jobs.

• National City Mortgage (through Kelly Temps) (1991). I started with scanning in documents, and then the documents needed shredded (which took 2 weeks). And then I typed letters for the people in Customer Service. This was back in the day of the old-fashioned word processors. When you hit the return, you couldn't go back up to the previous line. Seriously.

• Monograms Plus (Christmas 1991). This was a kiosk right outside of Bombay Co. I actually worked at both places, and sometimes at the same time. 

• Pillsbury in Wellston (1992). I did an engineering co-op at the plant that made Totino's Pizzas and Gino's Pizza Rolls. You don't really care about the oil inventory project I worked on, but I'll tell you there was a taste test every morning at 10:30 am. My favorite part of the job!

• Resident Assistant at Ohio University (1992). I actually did this job at the same time as the co-op job. Strange but true. 

• Avon Representative (1992-1993). I did really great until I moved from Athens to Dayton and lost my customer base. 

• Athens Flower Shop in Athens, Ohio (February 1993). I removed thorns from roses for a couple weeks and did a few deliveries. Contacts from this job let to the next.

• Math Tutor (1993-current). Wow, I loved it! So much that I changed my major from engineering to Math. 

• President Tuxedo (1993-95). I invaded men's personal space (took measurements) and did alterations. I loved working in the wedding industry! 

Measuring my brother for a tuxedo (yes, really!)

•  LCI (through Kelly Temps) (1994). I was the receptionist/office spy. I wouldn't rat on my co-workers so the head person in Cincinnati let me go. 

• Misc. temp jobs (1994-1995). These included spraying cologne on men at the mall, and working at an auction.

• GM's Moraine Assembly Plant (through Kelly Temps) (1995). I started off as a secretary during the kick off of the new model year and when that ended, I test drove GMC Jimmy's and Chevy Blazers. (Awesome job!!)

• ITT Automotive (through Kelly Temps) (1995-96). My first experience with working with databases, and checking personal email at work. :) (My boss let me use his computer to check my emails once or twice a day.)

• Dayco Products (through Kelly Temps) (1996). I worked in Accounts Receivable and did various other office duties. 

• Pier 1 Imports (1996). Loved working there, loved the employee discount, but honestly the pay was really bad. They did teach me excellent customer service skills though.

• Cat Fanatics (1996-97). I became the Assistant Manager. And then at 89 days they let me go, just like they had done to the previous three Assistant Managers. (Benefits started at 90 days.) 

• Equinox (1997). I sold Equinox products, mostly water filters. And then they were shut down by the Federal government because it was a pyramid scheme. 

• University of Dayton (1997-1999), Compliance Clerk in the Office of Compliance and Affirmative Action. Back to working on databases. 

• Miami Valley Fair Housing (1998-2002), Fair Housing Tester. Great job that combined looking at apartments and houses and getting paid. 

• Russell Tuxedos (1999). Nothing like President Tuxedo and so I didn't enjoy it as much.

• Dayton Vineyard Church (1999-2001). I can't remember my title but I did the desktop publishing and web publishing, and begged volunteers to come in to stuff the programs (bulletins) on a weekly basis.

• Mary Kay Consultant (2000-current). I was half-way to a red Grand Am but then some tragic stuff happened and I put everything on hold. I never got back into and just buy for personal use now.

• Nesco Recruiting Services (2001),  Receptionist. I was working at the other end of a temporary service. 9/11 happened while I worked here, I'll never forget that.

• Books-a-Million (2001-2002), Barista. My favorite part was watching the sun rise and the awesome customers. Maybe someday I'll open my own little coffee shop. :)

• Colliers International (2002-2003), Real Estate Broker Assistant. I got Mr. Dave Tobeson organized and had a great time working in that little office. (I'm still in contact with Dave, one of my favorite bosses, and definitely the goofiest one.) 

*** I earned my Math degree June of 2002 and my emphasis on jobs completely changed. I was ready for a regular job that would last years. 

At my graduation party

• The Mazer Corporation (2003), Contract Editor. (I know several friends just groaned when they read that.) I did editing on mostly Social Studies books even though I was hired to do Math books. Their Math contracts fell through as my 6-month contract came to an end.

• Hospice of Dayton (through Spherion Temps) (2003). I worked in Human Resources doing background checks and running finger prints. While fingerprinting a new employee, I asked about the job she just left. Two weeks later I started her old job.

• Dinsmore & Shohl (2003-2004), IP Docket Clerk. (IP is short for Intellectual Property = patents, trademarks, copyrights, domain names, that sort of thing.) While working for D&S I met someone who worked at another law firm who needed an IP Docket Clerk. I applied for the job out of curiosity, and the other firm offered me a 20% increase. D&S offered me a 3% increase.

• Thompson Hine (2004-current), IP Docket Clerk. And here I am at the same job for over six years! I believe I've finally found that long-term job that I needed. (Until Jason gets his masters degree, then we'll see if that dream of clowning professionally will be next.) ;) 

My co-workers call me the Docket Queen.

 A bit of irony I'd like to point out. One of the projects I'm working on is going through Dayco's websites. It was kinda funny adding their link to my blog - it felt like work. Also, Dinsmore & Shohl handled Cat Fanatic's trademarks. They went out of business and I had the pleasure of marking their cases Abandoned in our database and also putting a huge X on the front of their files. It felt like justice, it felt good.

* The small print (which is actually italics). All companies are listed by the name I knew them by. The links will take you to their current site, which has their current name. However, several companies are out of business, which is nothing new in Dayton, Ohio.