Excerpts from the old blog

So last night I decided to go through my old (secret) blog, which I kept from 2004-2007. I was thinking most of the posts would be about the losers I met online (and a few that I dated). However I found a lot of insights of my life back then. Some of the posts made me laugh, some made me cry. Most made me want to tell my younger self to hang in there, it's going to get a lot better. (Which makes me wonder, in 6 years will I want to look back at myself now and tell myself to hang in there, it's going to get a lot better? I think so.)

So I thought I'd share a few posts... enjoy. (My comments today about the posts back then will be in italics.)


July 6th, 2004

I had a dream last night. I don't remember much of the dream except there was a guy that I really liked and he was a really good friend of mine. It had a reality-tv feeling to it. (I'm addicted, so not sure if we were on a tv show or if that's how I view my life now.) Anyway. I was sitting next to him and I leaned my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me. It was the most wonderful feeling, and then I woke up. Irk. I don't know who the guy was, but it was like I knew him, and I can see his face in my mind, but I actually don't know who he is. I also remember his personality, and he seemed like the greatest guy. I wonder if this is my subconscious telling me that's the kind of guy I want, or if it's just a dream based on a book I read or something. Anyway, it gives me hope that I won't be single forever. If/when I'm ready to move on, I already have a couple friends who want to pair me up with guys they know. Lovely. I can't even think of anything like that yet.

So I'm sitting here thinking of my "dream man" and he seems to be the type that I would be attracted to. Tall, dark hair, blue eyes (or something kinda light-colored). He was the friendly, nice type of guy that everyone gets along with. Joked around with everyone and teased quite a bit, but you could tell that he would never say anything mean to anyone. He was also very sweet and caring. He was very interested in listening to whatever problem I was telling him. (I don't remember the problem, just that it made me lay my head on him and he put his arm around me.) I guess most problems are temporary and it wasn't the problem and what he said that was important, but that he listened and wanted to help. I'm sure guys like that exist, but I'm sure they're all taken. Maybe there's a few out there that their current girl's don't appreciate them and I can just hope that they'll be single when I'm ready to start dating again. Talk about wishful thinking. Blah. :P

(Anyone else think that kinda sounds like Jason?)

Feb. 8th, 2005 | 01:27 am

All I could think was "God, please give me someone to love." I even said it out loud. Then I found it curious that I wasn't thinking "please let someone love me." I guess I have a lot of people who love me, and I love a lot of them right back. But I want someone to really love. To hug and kiss and make things for and give things to. And to just try to be a better person for. I miss that.

(Hang in there kiddo - he's out there, he'll find you.)
 

Jul. 12th, 2005 | 05:34 pm

I found a gray hair this morning. Actually I found a white hair this morning. I, of course, pulled that sucker out and threw it in the trash. The evidence is gone, but I can no longer say that I've never found a gray (white) hair on my head. Previously I looked and was quite pleased to not find anything. This morning I was looking at myself, no makeup, hair wet and combed back and *boing* this white curly hair is bouncing around my forehead. I think it was celebrating my 33rd birthday a bit early.

(LOL!! If I pulled out all the white & gray hairs I've found in the past year I'd be pretty bald on top!)

 

 Aug. 23rd, 2005 | 08:29 am

Or maybe I should say, Victory for the Single Woman Home Owner!! Why? I started my evil lawn mower all by myself yesterday!! And then proceeded to mow my entire yard by myself. (Not that big of a deal, it took maybe 20 minutes.)

(LOL!! I had owned by house for 4 months by then and had called almost every single guy I knew to come over and help me start my mower and a few of them would end up mowing the yard for me. I'm also laughing because of how many times I've mowed that dang lawn since then. THAT would be the only time I was happy to do it.) :P

Sep. 11th, 2005 | 03:04 pm

Went to church this morning and kept running into Dan & Robyn. (3,000 people, 4 services, and I always have to see them.) Finally decided to drag them outside and beat them both. Ha. No, I asked them if we could take a moment and talk and we went outside. I told them everything I felt about the divorce and them getting married and Dan kept saying "that's what Robyn said." So for once, that girl and I are in agreement. It was a good talk and by the end Robyn was smiling at me. It was a good feeling. The reason I wanted to talk to them was to clear the air between us so it would be more comfortable that we're going to the same church. That's when they informed me that they're buying a house in Cincinnati and will be moving in a matter of weeks. Guess I really didn't have anything to worry about... but I'm so glad things were "resolved" before they moved and I never see them again. (How odd to think that I'll never see Dan again.) 

(I found this funny and light-hearted-considering the circumstance-so I had to post this. For those who don't know who Dan & Robyn are, I guess you can kinda figure it out.)   

 

Feb. 24th, 2006 | 11:58 pm

My home phone is through Time Warner right now and they actually charge extra for voice mail. All the voice mail I was receiving was telemarketers. Most of them pre-recorded, so the first part would be missing. No, I don't want to refinance my mortage (good grief, I haven't even had my house a year!) No, I don't have any kids in Dayton Public Schools. (Not sure why they think I do.) And no, I'm not planning on remodeling my house for awhile (I knew I shouldn't have signed up to win free windows.)

My friends know to try my cell phone next, and they can leave a message there. So basically, I was paying an extra $5/month to hear 4-5 unwanted messages a day. So I cancelled voice mail. Of course, they turned it off after I got voice mail, but before I got a chance to hear it. So at the moment, my light is flashing and I have the stuttering dial tone to tell me I have voice mail... but I can't get to it. So I tried to call Time Warner about this. After being on hold for almost an hour, they tell me they have to transfer me to another department. And while that department is checking on what they can do, I get disconnected.

I'm currently in the process of switching to Vonage. ($25/month cheaper and free voice mail.) 

(LOL! This is for all the people who wonder why I hate Time Warner so much. This is just one of the reasons.)

Jan. 30th, 2006 | 02:03 pm

Someone asked me today if I had seen the new sandals at Payless yet. Um, not yet. I can't even think about sandals just yet. I know the weather was nice but with fighting a bad cold, it still felt like January to me. I also think trying on sandals at this point would just be torturing myself. Sandal weather is at least 3 months away, and who knows when my next trip to Florida would be. I need to focus on sweaters and boots on sale and being happy with getting to wear them for the next 3 months. (I really want to find a pair of goucho pants that'll be the right length for me. With a long pair of boots, so cute!! I wonder if they come in tall...) 

(Goucho pants??? So glad I never got a pair, I think they went out of style pretty quick. Funny, I still feel the same about sandals in January.)

Apr. 11th, 2007 | 11:25 pm

I have to get this out, put this somewhere.

Lately I'm feeling hopeless. All my friends are meeting, dating, marrying wonderful men and I can't even find a guy to ask me out. No wait, I can't even find a guy who wants to call me. I think I'm hitting an all time low and it's not pretty.

(Some specific details I don't want to post here about finding out I might have problems having kids. Btw, it turned out to be nothing and has nothing to do with why we're not staying pregnant.)

If I found out I couldn't have kids, would I want to get married again? Maybe right where I am right now is where I'll be 20 years from now.

After typing that, all that's going through my head is "no way." If I'm single, without kids, 20 years from now, I will definitely be living an exciting life in another country. There's more to this life than where I am right now.

I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless about love.  

(I met John Jason Parsons a little over a month later!!!)


Okay, that's enough posts for now. Funny, I found the night where I challenged God to make my life better and actually ended up strengthening my faith. It's a long story and I'm sure I'll blog about it soon. I remember that night being such a huge turning point and I remember so many changes happening after that, but in my blog it seems like just another day. I guess you really don't expect things to change when you've been miserable for so long. Thank God for second chances! (And third and fourth and fifth chances...)